Oriental FLAVORED Body Wash? (GERMANY, YES!)

Oriental FLAVORED Body Wash? (GERMANY, YES!)

PRODUCT REVIEW.

ORIENTAL FLAVORED BODY WASH.

Why yes, it is.

Yep.

That is, indeed, ORIENTAL FLAVORED BODY WASH, because let’s face it, if you’re anything like me, you’ve been asking yourself over and over again,

“Where can a guy get some body wash that will make me smell “ORIENTAL?”

ORIENTAL FLAVOR BODY WASH?

Oh my god, this is wrong on so many levels. So many. Where do I start, dumb German company making Oriental Flavor body wash.

Ok, let’s start with the basics. It’s not FLAVORED. Does it TASTE oriental? Am I supposed to wash my body, put on some koto drumming music, lay back and let my girlfriend enjoy the taste of the orient? Is she supposed to kiss my neck and say something like,

“Mmmm, YOU TASTE LIKE RAMEN!”

Or, do I wash my nuts with it, and then, when I’m all clean and showered I go cook some rice noodles with tofu, and put a little Oriental Flavored Body Wash to the sauce to add a little tang? What the fuck is wrong with you people?

FLAVORED body wash? It’s SCENTED. DUMB ASSES, because people SMELL IT, NOT TASTE IT.

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH! What’s wrong with you people?

And if it’s not weird enough to make something FLAVORED instead of SCENTED, you guys chose ORIENTAL flavor? What the hell is that? What the fuck? Take a normal shower gel and add two packets of Pad Thia flavoring and a dash of red curry? What the fuck is ORIENTAL flavor?

“Well, Hans, time to bust out the semi racist advertising!”

“Oriental flavor body wash. Smell like kung fu!”

Or,

“Oriental flavor body wash. It’s like rice and seaweed in a bottle!”

And I know what you’re thinking, people reading this.

You’re thinking, PHOTO SHOP! To which I will just say this. If I photo shop something it’s certainly gonna look slightly obvious, and be CREME DE COCK FLAVORED!

Nine scans to make you happy.

Nine scans to make you happy.

Not to sound too out there or nothin, but if three really IS the magic number, than imagine the power of NINE because that’s three three’s. Or better yet, imagine twenty seven, because that’s three three’s, three times.

Ok, you’re right, that’s too much for your tiny little brain to think about right now, so let me get to the point, which is this,

I don’t have time to scan twenty seven things anyway, so here’s nine things, all pulled out of my magic box of things that existed before the Internet and therefore have yet to be “shared” with my “friends” until right now, of course, because I finally got a scanner.

They make me happy, and I hope they can do the same for you.

Let’s start with a prayer, from Mark Gonzales.

ONE.

Gonz gave me two of those poems when I met him, and I live by them. They make me happy.

TWO.

A postcard from Bigfoot. HE LIVES!

THREE.

Once upon a time, rap was good and this guy right here was the best rapper alive at that time.
Me and KRS ONE circa 1994.

FOUR.

Speaking of rap music. Remember when DJ’s were THE SHIT? I do, and here’s proof. Here’s DJ Shortcut in 1995 scratching on a Tuesday night in a small bar called Deco in SF. Every Tuesday they would have dj’s in the basement beat juggling and scratchin all night to a crowd of about twenty people. I saw Q.Bert, Mix Master Mike, Vin Roc, Spider Monkey, and of course Short Cut all getting insane there. I remember watching DJ Q.Bert scratch and the crowd just being mystified and thinking to myself,

“This must have been what it was like to watch John Coltrane in the 60’s.”

FIVE

This is a REAS coloring book. If you don’t love this, it’s most likely because you have no idea who REAS is and that’s probably because you have Shepard Fairey’s dick in your mouth. Stop sucking Shepard’s dick for two seconds and look REAS up. He deserves some attention.

UPDATE::::: REAS is also known as Todd James. If you google Reas, some other douche bag fake Reas mother fucker comes up, because, well, it’s 2012 and basically, fuck that OTHER REAS.

SIX.

Everything about this makes me happy. Look at the price tag. Great record, great use of it by one of the best, most slept on, hip hop producers of all time. Prince Paul embodies everything I would want to be in an artist. UBER talented, fun, funny, and doing new shit. If you ever said hip hop had “experimental” moments and didn’t mention Prince Paul, you would be an IDIOT!
Not to mention THE WHITE RAPPER SHOW. WOW. Thank you Prince Paul.

Seven.

If you don’t know what this is, I feel sorry for you. If you don’t know what this is, but you have a book with the words “Street Art” on the cover, please jump in front of a train, you are the reason I’m so sad and have to post these pictures in the first place.

Learn your history people. If you don’t know Twist, you get an F.

Eight.

Two for the price of one. That’s Cairo Foster on the top and Justin Strubing on the bottom picture. What a lucky break I had being in San Francisco from 1992 until 1998. I saw Lavar McBride switch BS 180 the Wallenberg big three. I saw Jeremy Wray FS half cab the gonz gap at EMB. I traded Sean Sheffey a half gram of weed for a pair of Vans. James Keltch (Just saying his name says it all,) and I took pictures with some really nice guys I was lucky enough to hang out and skate with. Thank you skateboarding!

AND FINALLY!
Nine.

That’s a sticker from Probe aka Fancy aka Alicia McCarthy. I really don’t expect anyone to know her, due to the fact that everyone had Reminisce’s name in their mouths, but hey, REM is cool, and so is Probe, I just happen to love the under dogs a bit more.

So there you have it, nine scans to make you happy. I hope. It worked for me. I’m happy now, and to be honest with you, that’s pretty good in my book.

Could RED BULL save the world?

Could RED BULL save the world?

What the hell am I talking about?

How could an energy drink help a massively out of control political conflict?

I’m not talking about the drink here, I’m talking about the company, and I’m not talking about the Gaza conflict alone, I’m talking about the world, and of course I’m talking out my ass, mainly out of sadness, and frustration, and feeling helpless towards people on both sides of the fences in a very bloody, brutal battle, not just in Gaza, but many places.

But here’s my point, and this is something I’ve been meaning to write since Red Bull sent that Austrian “space diver” half way to the moon and spent 50 million dollars on a stunt.

Imagine if Red Bull, or any of these bazillion dollar companies, like Google, or Facebook, or Apple, or any of these other massive, “cool” corporations actually gave a shit about the world like they claim to?

These companies are so “alternative lifestyle” when it comes to making billions of dollars, but then, when it’s time to step up, they just discard the heart and soul of the basic philosophy of the alternative lifestyle, which is, of course, PEACE AND FREEDOM.

It makes me sad to see so much action, and so little backbone behind it. Where’s the punk rock foundation that helped build that “alternative” world? Hell, even Hip Hop started out punk and revolutionary.

People who really live the life know, and we want peace.

I’m sure the people of Red Bull want peace as well, but wouldn’t it be amazing if they stepped up and took a stand for peace?. Wouldn’t it be amazing if some company like Red Bull devoted millions of dollars towards peace. If they devoted money and time and effort towards ideas and revolutionary concepts not only for snowboarding movies, but real life change?

If Red Bull just put their money up and said,

“HEY, WE’RE RED BULL AND WE WANT PEACE AND EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACHIEVE PEACE WE’RE GONNA DEDICATE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO AT LEAST TRYING TO ACHIEVE PEACE, IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS, CALL US!”

I myself don’t have the answers, but maybe there’s someone out there who does, and their ideas are just floating around in their head, waiting for the money to help put their ideas into the world, which eventually might help make a change, towards peace.

I personally have nothing against “extreme sports.” We get it, Red Bull, you own that “MARKET.” Does that mean you couldn’t sponsor community gardens somewhere, or help bring clean water supplies to people in need, or build community centers in war-torn countries where kids could all meet in peace and get a chance to learn about hip hop or BMX biking or even what it means to have five minutes of childhood without the fear of being shot?

Is that too much to ask? That you guys show a little emotion? Show a little effort?

Because trust me, Your drink alone won’t save the world.

YES! I’m an egomaniac! Because I rule.

YES! I’m an egomaniac! Because I rule.

Eat your heart out Charlie Sheen, who’s winning tonight?

That’s right. I AM!

And since this is my first ever comedy prize I thought it would be the least I could do to offer up an acceptance speech and say a thank you or two, I mean, I won for god’s sake, it’s not a small time thing.

This isn’t some measly third place in the Quatch comedy club talent scmiede, or second place in the Trier comedy slam, and it’s certainly not last place in the game of life.

This is the winner takes all champion and owner of the very prestigious Golden Gemuse Award.

So now, cue the music and imagine me walking proudly down the aisle in my tuxedo, and up onto the stage, of the O2 Arena or better yet, the Admirals Pallast, where yes, I have performed to a crowd of 1700.

It’s all cheers as I take the award from the two beautiful modern actresses who I don’t even know, because I’m so out of touch, but boy, are they hot, and speaking of touching, one of them grazes her boob gently across my hand as she’s handing me the Golden Gemuse Comedy Award.

WHOOO WEEEEE. I LOVE WINNING!

And then it’s time. Yes it is folks. As the crowd roars, in awe of a great comedian, and more realistically a great human, it’s time for my acceptance speech.

“Thank you. Thank you. Please. Please. I can’t even speak right now.

Wow. What can I say, honestly? I mean, What can I say over the roar of the crowd. Please.

Keep it down. Please.

Thank you.

I’d like to start by thanking anyone and everyone that ever picked on me in high school. Seriously. Thank you. The guy who stuffed me in the locker in tenth grade because I didn’t do the Irish jig. The guy who used to chase me home from school everyday, but never really ran full speed, just fast enough to be breathing down my neck, and scaring the crap out of me. To the guy who used to pay to take me to the movies, just to spit popcorn at me, and pretended to be my good friend, just to have someone to constantly beat up on. To the kids who called me “Professor Dad” once they found out my full name was David Anthony Deery and my initials were DAD. To all the guys who ran me over on the football field, or out hit me in baseball or best of all, whooped my ass in wrestling, only to make it the highlight of their lives for the whole fuckin school year. To the guys in my Junior year, who hated me and constantly talked shit about me because I had a car and could drive to school because of some computer mistake. It wasn’t really my fault, but you made it my fault. To all the bullies. The Catholic school kids who called me Jew boy, or the public school kids who called me Jew boy, or even myself who called me Jew boy.

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
You made me who I am today.

And what am I?

Good question.

Am I an egomaniac as some people suggest? Am I?
Am I an egomaniac? Me?

Really?

Why, because for once in my life I’m half way decent at something? Am I an egomaniac because I love what I do? Am I? Is that egotistical? Is it egotistical to be confident? Is it egotistical to try? To want to get better? To enjoy sharing with people and to love making people laugh? Is it egomaniacal to not worry about the money that doesn’t even exist in stand up comedy in Berlin? Is that what makes me egotistical? That I won’t do certain shows because I think those people care to much about money and glory then they do about making a decent comedy show? Caring about quality makes me an egomaniac? Just wanting things to be good for everyone makes me an egomaniac?

Because quite honestly, if that’s egotistical, then it’s true. I must be an egomaniac.
Feel free to call me an egomaniacal asshole right to my face.

And honestly, I gotta take this time to thank the people calling me an egomaniac as well. The people calling me an egomaniac, and an asshole and whatever other terms come out of peoples peepholes behind my back.

Thank you.

You motivate me to get better. And trust me, I will get better, and I will be funnier, and I will make people laugh, because that’s what I like to do.

And now, it’s kind of personal.

And oh yeah, I also like winning Golden Gemuse Awards! So once again,

THANK YOU!

MONDAY MAILBOX S01 E01

MONDAY MAILBOX S01 E01

Here we go.

For the true losers with waaaaaay too much time on their hands, here’s the Monday Mailbox.

If you’d like a question answered, please send it to askdaviddeery@gmnail.com

WARNING, this is a total waste of 15 minutes.

That being said, feel free to comment and tell me to do it again next Monday, because I probably will.

READY? SET? GO!