My first magazine cover!

My first magazine cover!

Congratulations to me.

Shitty Cover

In the imortal words of that other MF’er it looks like it’s gonna be a Great Day Today!

That’s right, put the Doom and gloom talk in the closet until the next fake apocalypse, because this MF, he gets down, he puts, wait, how does that even go?

I’m lost. I’m lost in Germany doing stand up comedy.

Send help! But not the kind of help that likes to drink on the streets and do drugs and likes techno, I’m afraid that help would be deemed powerless quite quickly, this city is a help eater.

But speaking of help, help is indeed on the way, in the form of some publicity for the so called English language comedy scene that is taking Berlin by storm and leaving everyone asking the question,

“wait, there’s an English comedy scene in Berlin?”

Yes, and yours truly will tell you all about it, in this months Shitty Berlin.

Front cover. Interview.

Boom.

Fame. Fortune. Women. Men. Dogs. Cars. Expensive bottles of Club Mate.

ALL DAT. 2013 is MINE MINE MINE.

I’ll be able to post the interview when the mag is out, but until then, feast your eyes on my first ever magazine cover that I unfortunately have to share with the guy who looks like me.

No one said it’s pretty, but it has arrived.

New Year, New Cheer.

New Year, New Cheer.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! (SOON ENOUGH)

Hallelujah. Praise whatever God you’re dumb enough to believe in because, yes my friends, It’s once again that putrid time of the year when over confident losers come forward and let us know with a full fledged burst of useless wind how they intend to attack this coming new year.

YIPPEE!

It’s new years resolution time. Let the losers come forth and declare their intentions.

The new years resolution has got to be the absolute dumbest contribution to our society this side of Rihanna. We don’t need either! Not only do I not care at all what you’ll be failing on doing with yourself this year, but I also don’t believe, in even the smallest, most sentimental part of my brain that this “year” is even over.

Let me ask you this genius.

If you were to invent a calendar, and nothing makes me believe you would have the intelligence to perform such a feat, but if you did, why would you end a cycle right smack dab in the middle of one of the seasons?

Like, I get why winter starts usually on Dec 21st. That’s the Winter solstice. That’s the shortest day. Makes sense scientifically.

But Dec 31st marks exactly the end, nor the beginning of nada. Nothing but your dumb attempts to make some commitment to quit smoking.

I love people who make quitting smoking resolutions. I love it. Anytime someone says they’re quitting smoking on Jan 1st makes me laugh, because I actually love nothing more than watching people fail miserably at attempting to quit smoking.

Yes. That one is quite easy to read. That lame personality type. The “I need a count down to make things count, because I’m THAT simple minded, and make sure TO LOOK AT ME DOING THIS BECAUSE I NEED ATTENTION!!!!”

That is a true sign of potential failure. That and the fact that the person usually says it with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth.

Never works.

People who quit smoking, crush out a half lit cigarette, smash up the pack and say stuff, like, “Fuck this. I quit. I’ll beat this. Starting right now. BYE!”

Why do we need to make commitments over New Years?

Stupid traditions perpetuate stupid societies.

But yes. Too harsh. Why not just go with the flow. Let it rest David. Relax. Breathe, and just be.

Ok. Done.

My New Years resolution is to never compromise my ideas. I started it already. A long time ago.

And what ideas are those exactly?

One of them is certainly to hate New Years and New Years resolutions.

But hey, good luck quitting smoking again.

Tons of Guns.

Tons of Guns.

BANG! BANG!

It’s yet another bone chilling, hug everyone you know and love, because you never know when you’re gonna go, day in the life of an average civilian in 2012.

It’s nothing new. A shooting at a mall, a movie, a high school, a university and now, a kindergarten?

What next? Is someone gonna shoot up some new born babies?

As a sociopathic society, there’s really nowhere darker we can go.

Some claim it’s a lack of God.

Yes, we live in a world were moments after a mass killing of children, a guy told the world point blank that God is mad at us, because we took him out of the schools, so God is killing our babies.

But, which God does he mean?

In which God does America trust?

The one that funds wars in other countries, and straps up its military to shoot up villages of would be terrorists, many of whom evidently provide the world with terror only in a response to a call from a God, who for some reason or other says something different than the next mans God and the next thing you know, we have even more dead children, and blood everywhere and of course the cameras are rolling, and there’s the sympathetic news journalist, with a tear in his or her eyes, saying

“We’re here live and FIRST and on the scene with this exclusive look into a very violent situation. What a tragedy…..Sadness…..Crying……You heard it here FIRST.”

And psychologists will tell us that the worst thing we can do for the situation is glorify the killer as an anti hero,

but that doesn’t give anyone ratings, SO HERE’S THE GUYS NAME! HERE’S HIS FACEBOOK, OH, IS THAT THE WRONG GUY?????

And Starbucks wants to send their thoughts and prayers to the families. And so does McDonalds, and every other billion dollar corporation and all I can think is instead of invisible brain waves that don’t make legislation against this ever happening again, why don’t these big corporations do what they do and buy off some politicians to promote some new gun laws?

OH, Because these corporations “stay out of politics.”

They “stay out of politics” until it’s something like same sex marriage. Or teaching Creationism. Or……Or……

Fuckin assholes.

Speaking of Assholes, it’s time for these fuck nuts to crawl out of their caves so we can hear our favorite saying once again…..

GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE!

Of course GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE DO, and these days, people kill people with guns, that they legally obtain at a Walmart, load up and point at the next guy, and it is true,

GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE,

Bullets actually kill the people, but it would be tough to kill someone with a bullet if you didn’t have the gun, or for that matter, the gun powder, so,

YEAH! Let’s blame the Chinese, they invented gun powder. We should go there with our guns and shoot them up.

But wait, China makes our bibles.

And guess what right wing gun maniacs,

LSD doesn’t kill people either, but it’s not legal, and you know what, I can somewhat understand why, because one or two guys might fuck it up for everyone else by getting too high and loading up their legally obtained semi automatic assault rifle and running out of the house screaming,

“THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!”

We live in a world, where people believe the zombie apocalypse, or the Mayan armageddon is realer than humanity itself.

We live in a world that idolizes morons like Rihanna and Chris Brown, and has no idea who Noam Chomsky is.

We live in a world where people send their thoughts and prayers through an electronic box, and then go about their business looking up if Rihanna is still sucking Chris Browns dick even though he’s beaten her to a bloody pulp with the handle of his legally obtained 9mm police issued semi automatic pistol.

I would say God help us all, but this is a people problem, and you know what they say….

God helps those that help themselves.

My Photo Shop Masterpieces.

My Photo Shop Masterpieces.

BOOOOOOM!

Yes, my friends, it’s that time of the year again. December is a notorious beast for ruining an artists good mood with way too much cheer. If there’s anything a true artist can’t stand it’s cheer. Especially a comedian. Cheeriness is a desease that festers in peoples souls and will eventually bring them to the point of content, which is a silver bullet that would kill the most seasoned comedian.

NO! NOT HAPPINESS! NOOOOOOO!

You see, misery is the friend of the comedian, just like suffering is to the doctor. Without loneliness and sadness of the deepest kind, the need for a comedian wouldn’t even be there.

Who “needs a laugh” more than the sad, lonely, losers of the world?

So please Santa, shut the fuck with all that Coca Cola bullshit, and shove that Christmas spirit back up your dusty chimney, you fat heifer.

I myself battle the Christmas depression the good old fashioned way of staying inside with the lights low and making some bullshit art with the use of a computer program.

This year, it looks like Photo Shopping will be replacing Christmas shopping, because lets face it, I’m Jewish.

I’m also very good at cutting the heads off of pictures of myself, and putting them in various new situations.

CLICK THE IMAGE TO GET A BETTER VIEW OF IT.

ENJOY!

I DON’T EXPECT YOU TO KNOW WHO ROLLIE FINGERS IS, BUT IF YOU DO, YOU’LL THINK THIS IS AMAZING……
RollieDeery

HERE’S AN ODE TO A GREAT MOVIE THAT I’D LIKE TO SEE SOMEDAY………

Dial M

SPEAKING OF MOVIES THAT I BELONG IN……………

NERDS1st

So there you go, If you need a Christmas card made, you know who to call.
Happy Chanukah.