Hello enjoyers of comedy. Hello, lovers of a laugh. Hello Comedians.

I just wanted to put myself out there a little bit today and kind of beg you guys to see things a certain way, which, maybe you already do. Let’s see.

We can all agree that Berlin has a tremendous amount of potential in terms of harnessing a great English language comedy scene.

I have without a doubt, many times, seen groups of people enjoying comedy in this city.

But it’s never a given. Nothing stays the same, and unless you would like comedy to be the next Dub Step, or Jungle music, it takes vigilance, and effort to maintain the structure.

This could all be gone in a flash. Like Louie says, we’re one or two horrible gigs away from no one giving a shit about us.

We need to be getting better. We need to do better. We need to build.

I personally think the best way to build our very small and fragile comedy scene, would be to bring in better, more experienced comedians, to perform for us, giving us an insight into what works and what doesn’t work.

While many might think my greatest accomplishment and greatest achievement in comedy was playing the Laugh Factory in La, I would say that playing the Laugh Factory didn’t give me half the wisdom that sitting in the back of the Laugh Factory and watching Chris D’elia did.

Watching Bobby Lee. Watching T J Miller.

(I would also say I have zero great accomplishments in comedy.)

There’s something about live comedy. We need people in Berlin to understand that.

Fuck Youtube. LIVE.

Fuck perfection. LIVE.

Fuck boring, lifeless, monotony. LIVE.

It can happen. But we, the comedians, have to first understand what that even means.

We need to see whats happening when stand up succeeds. You can’t see that on a video. It’s something that Berlin is lacking, and it makes me insanely sad.

We need to see more comedians.

Bill Burr came to Europe.

Not Berlin.

Louie came to Europe.

Not Berlin.

And so on.

It takes work. It takes effort from US.

This Friday, although she’s not as famous as some people, Josie Long is coming to Berlin.

She is however, more famous, and established (that’s the word I should actually use here) than any of us. This is a great opportunity for the Berlin community to plant the seed of bringing in more established comedians, and offering something bigger than we ourselves can offer.

This is something new for people.

So, here’s what we all need to do.

First of all. We all need to be here. We need this show to be packed, but not only packed. Packed with people who are NOT assholes. NOT a group of Spanish people who have never seen a stand up show in their lives. NOT a group of asshole Australians, who bored, decided to come before they get tore up at a techno club.

NO.

We need this place full of people who appreciate comedy and wanna see comedy and know about comedy and WANT COMEDY, and all that.

We need it to be full of people like us, because that’s how this scene used to be.

THAT’S what made SIN BAR so special. US.

Please come see Josie Long, please bring some cool people, please push this show, and please make this show great, so we can have John Kerns here.

I got an email about him wanting to come to Berlin, but come on, how can we invite John Kerns, if no one will come out to the shows?
Do it for comedy in Berlin.

I love you all, and honor your very difficult path. Believe it or not.

MF David Deery.

What’s wrong with me?

Seriously. Serious question.

Why do I hate everyone so much?

I was just at the store, buying things for breakfast. Just browsing the cheese section, enjoying my life. Enjoying the small things of living in Europe, like deciding on whether I want to purchase very affordable goat cheese, or very affordable Danish cheese, or a pack of affordable mixed cheeses, or affordable French cheese?

Affordable cheese choices are one of the few things still left to enjoy in Berlin.

Then, suddenly, there was this couple standing next to me.

All, cheery, and touchy feely, and young. They reeked of inexperience, and both had this annoying, kind of Burning Man, Fusion Festival, bullshit pseudo hippy style.

I already hated them, and then they started speaking.

“What should we get? You want cheese?” She said, hugging him, rubbing his back, smiling, eyes sparkling, still beaming from their early morning love making.

“I don’t care. What do you want?”

“Well, what do you want?”

Giggle. Laugh. Back rub. Happy happy happy, and all I can think is,

“Why don’t you assholes eat razor blades?”

Nothing annoys me like young love. They probably met last week. I just wanna fast forward to three weeks from now when she’s laying in some other guys bed, after getting drunk and she’s telling the guy, “No, stop, I have a boyfriend, we shouldn’t do this” as he unhooks her bra.

Keep that shit to yourselves.

I grabbed my goat cheese and bounced, but it didn’t take me long to get upset again.

I’m picking out a cucumber, in the fruit and vegetable section, when this old couple comes waltzing through, old lady almost running me over with her cart.

Jesus, are you blind lady? Are you? Oh, you’re 87% blind, 13% retarded? OK. Fair deal.

But then her husband, a frail, 75-80 year old guy, just starts coughing. Which, of course, would normally be no biggie, if say, this old ass bag of bones would cover his fuckin mouth.

But no. Not today. This lump of sagging flesh is just hacking away, aimed right at the tomatoes, and grapes, and he’s just walking along, LITERALLY turning his head toward the veggies, just shooting his essence all over the fuckin food.

The guy was like a sprinkler system. He was watering the fruits and veg.

HACK HACK HACK HACK >>>shift<<< HACK HACK HACK HACK >>>>shift<<<<<

Now, I know. I know. I know what you’re thinking. Your thinking,

“But David, shouldn’t you wash your fruits and vegetables anyway?”

THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT!

See? See that?

That’s what I mean, EVERYONE is pissing me off.

Not only was I thinking “There you go grandpa, keep coughing, hopefully you’ll cough up a fucking lung and die” but now, I’m actually getting mad at you guys, for not understanding that I was mad at an old man, and now I’m wishing death on you people, who are nice enough to even listen to me in the first place, and have now officially wasted god knows how many moments of your life, even reading this bullshit.

THIS SHIT PISSES ME OFF!

I’m home from Edinburgh and I honestly have no clue how I will withdrawal.

How was the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, you ask?

How did it feel?

Well, imagine you were a heroin addict. Imagine that you just loved to shoot heroin, and suddenly, you wake up, and you’re surrounded by thousands of other heroin addicts, and there’s just heroin everywhere, and thousands of people cheering you on as you shoot up heroin. Every time you turn your head, there another junkie friend of yours on a street corner telling you about some other junkie den, with a nice supply of smack, and whenever you think you just can’t have enough heroin, they shove the needle into your hand, and it’s the best high you’ve ever had and once again you’re just transported into that mental state of drugged out bliss, where food is just an idea, and sleep is a joke that you’ll deal with when you die, which honestly could be any minute, because you’ve been shooting smack at an alarming rate. Every conversation turns quickly to the quality of dope, and who’s got the right stuff. You meet junkies that have been living the life at this fast pace for years and years. Inspired, you start hearing yourself using terms and a vocabulary that makes you sound like a heroin veteran, and within a week, you are. You shoot more smack in three weeks than you normally would in a year, and after a week or so nights melt into days which melt into nights and hours seem like weeks and weeks seem like decades, and by the time it’s all over, you’re either a rock hard veteran, or ready to jump off the metaphorical bridge and quit shooting up forever.

I myself can’t wait to go back. I’m a junkie. I’m not sure how I can live my life in the world without heroin dens on every corner.

I got the shakes already.