Have you ever stopped to think about life as we know it?

Have you ever looked up at the sun, and wondered what it might be like, if clouds formed in a way, that for some reason, the sunshine could no longer penetrate, and humanity was forced to live in a grey, cold haze?

Has it ever occurred to you how perfect this machine has to be in order for humans, animals and even micro organisms to survive?

The perfection of each of the thousands of pieces, that align each and every time you and I take a breath?

Do you breathe in and out in amazement, of a place, where life can exist, due to circumstances that are so far beyond human recognition it causes humans to have to make up stories about a greater being, because the sheer mystifying truth of it all is so unfathomable, and so awe inspiring it could, and should cripple even the simplest minds into submission.

The perfection of the Earth’s atmosphere, with it’s perfect, bubble like layer of oxygen, and it’s perfect temperature, and perfect system of waterways and minerals and elements that are unseen or unknown anywhere else within the hundreds of thousands of miles humans have explored with spaceships, yes SPACESHIPS.

How stunning is it, that humans have created a machine, that can propel itself into, and beyond the atmosphere, and not only go out of our own world and into unknown worlds, never before explored, but to also be able to return, and live to tell us all about it?

We are constantly witnessing miracles. We are a part of a story that dates back millions of years. Millions of years. That alone is stunning. MILLIONS!

At my darkest times, I feel a sense of meaninglessness and worthlessness. The weight of the infinite universe smothers and chokes my ego, until often I’m to the point of anxiety. But in reality, when I look at the greater picture, I’m a part of something so big and awe inspiring, regardless of how small, individually I am. Even if I’m just one step in a million mile march, without each step, the million mile march could never happen. Each letter of a book has a value. Every ingredient is needed to make that perfect sauce. And while some might give a greater value to certain steps of a journey, like, for example, the last step, they can be reassured and reminded that the last step is not possible without the hundreds of thousands of steps before that one. We as people, and myself as an individual, need to take a few minutes every once in a while to appreciate the many steps that have come before us and the many steps that will come after us. We need to feel the importance of the trees. The waters. The grass. The Sun. We need to feel inspired by perfection and chance, and we need to do our part to continue to fuel the survival of man and beast and all things living. Yes, your hip hop record is important. Your birthday party is important. Your date is important. Your shoes, your instagram and your hair are all important. But please just take some time to think. Think about things you might not usually think about. Think about space. Think about life. Think about flowers and photosynthesis.

Feel the immenseness of the world we live in. It’s beautiful. It’s perfect.

And you’re a huge part of that.

JOHN ROBERTSON

Here’s an interview with comedian John Robertson. He’ll be doing his show, THE DARK ROOM in Berlin next Friday.

Sounds interesting? Come out.

1. What the hell kind of show is this?? 

Yo! It’s a live-action, interactive video game. It’s rock n’ roll and video games. It’s an adventure. It’s the game that plays you. It’s the ultimate test of skill, wit and cunning! It’s a 200 Euro Grand Prize! It’s bondage with jokes. It’s a nightmare you control. It’s a choose-your-own-adventure with a floating head. It’s sex on a stick. It’s prizes mixed with shouting. It’s the cult sensation of the Edinburgh Fringe. It’s surprisingly good for children. It’s fun and fancy and it’s never been done in Berlin before. You’ll love it. Your kids will love it. Love, love, love. THE DARK ROOM.

(No, seriously – this year alone it’s been performed for over 5000 people in three different countries. It’s amazing. I got banned from a theatre for crowd surfing up the stairs. It’s hard to crowd-surf upwards.)

 2. I played the Youtube version. How is it different?

More choices! More interactivity! The game can see you! Imagine being in a room with a big, cartoony Floating Head with a voice like twelve gonads trapped in a velvet bell who only wants what’s best for you – and will punish you if you pick anything that isn’t that. Terrible, terrible prizes – and a 200 Euro prize if anyone escapes.

 3. What role do you play? 

I play everything. I play The Floating Head. He plays the audience. Soon it is over and we are all happy.

 4. Will I win something? Does a person win? Or does the audience win?  I don’t wanna share a prize. 

6 individual players each win a prize. Then the whole crowd plays and everyone gets something. I’m like Jesus with bread and fish, except all I have is cheap noodles and dog food.

 5. Last question, did you ever compete in a rap battle? Tell me how that went. 

I think my rap career was hit by a drive-by about halfway through the first minute. I was the Vanilla Ice to Dave Deery’s Eminem. I’m sticking to video games, where a lack of rhythm is an asset, except in Dance Dance Revolution.

HA!

YOU WISH!

Got you, you filthy pervert. How dare you want to see me naked. You sick, sick person. Wanting to see some flesh to fuel your sick perverse fantasies with.

Looking for crude images of me to twist up in your dirty little mind, to save for the winter, when you’re cold and lonely, and alone, and cold. Images you can then thrust into the forefront of your brain to have your way with.

You sicko. How dare you desire my naked body like that. You will never have it! NEVER.

But I will offer you this.

THREE comedy shows. Three very different comedy shows. (CLICK IMAGES FOR FB INVITE)

ONE.

Every Thursday I will be doing a small living room type of “show.” It will be funny and unique and start on time. Be there.

TWO.

A guy named John Robertson is bringing his interactive video game, choose your own adventure, weird cult circus show to Berlin.

I’M PRETTY SURE THIS IS A MUST SEE. That’s FRIDAY NOVEMBER 15TH. Weser Str 58.

OH, THAT’S STILL NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? YOU WANT MORE? COMEDY FIEND, ARE YOU? GOOD.  WELL THEN,

THREE.

A guy named Nik Coppin is bring a stand up comedy show that’s entirely about sex, dating, humping and dumping. I did this show in Edinburg and it’s really fun, and I also performed with the headliner who’s coming in from Scotland and who is SUPER FUCKIN FUNNY.

FRIDAY NOV 22nd. Weser Str 58.

The costs of these shows is very low. Not because of the quality either, but because I want to bring good comedy to cool people who might not have a lot of money. It’s not my agenda to “tap the cash cow” called Berlin. I also don’t believe in full on capitalism. I believe these shows are worth 8 euros, so I charge 5 and abolish any guest list. We all share equally and fairly. Please help me by telling people about these shows and coming to these shows and laughing, and then give me a hand job and take a picture of it and voila….

THERE’S YOUR PICTURE OF ME NAKED!!!!

I’m really trying hard.

I am. I’m trying. I pray into my fitted cap for God to give me the streanghth to not be a grumpy old fart, and just be thankful for a good show, and to see a legend like Redman AGAIN, but then I realize that,

One. God is a make believe concept, for people who are too afraid to accept their own doings, AND

Two. What the hell is streanghth?

OK. OK.

POSITIVE. Just focus on the positive.

THANK YOU CONVERSE for the Redman concert.

Redman was awesome. Of course I’ve seen him two other times, at legitimate Redman concerts, where people, like me, actually know who he is and own Muddy Waters, and so on; and sometimes, paying for things is better because then people ACTUALLY appreciate it and want it and don’t just show up because there’s free drinks, and there’s nothing better to do, because the drinks are free and why not, who doesn’t love free drinks? But seriously, thank you CONVERSE, because it was at your Redman concert, with your super cool guest list of awesome special important people, and the free drinks, where I saw the best Redman moment anyone could ask for, when Redman, The Funk Doctor Spock, was finished giving his 100% and he was set to finish it off with The Rocwilder, which, by the way, I saw with Method Man at Hip Hop Kemp in front of like 10,000 people and it was INSANE, but anyway, last night, when he was ready to deliver the beat down of the last hit of the night, he asked the crowd,

“Y’ALL KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?”

CHEERS! SCREAMING! WHITE PEOPLE HOLDING FREE BEERS UP!

“I’M ABOUT TO FINISH THIS OFF PROPER! BUT YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT! Y’ALL KNOW METHOD MAN’S LYRICS TO THIS SHIT?”

MORE CHEERS! MORE SCREAMING! PEOPLE LOSING THEIR MINDS!

“Y’ALL GONNA SING ALONG?”

WAVE OF MASSIVE CHEERS! ACKNOWLEDGEMENT! YES! YES! YES, WE ARE!

And in dropped that beat….. You know the one…. Or, actually, maybe you don’t……

And I was like,

“Microphone checker……”

While everyone else just kind of looked around at each other, and Redman held out the mic and LOOKED INTO PEOPLES EYES, hopeful.

He dropped a…..

“It’s the mister method, for sheezy…..”

And looked. And held out the mic, HOPEFUL…..

BUT…….

NO ONE KNEW A SINGLE WORD?

No one could fake it. There was an ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!

And the elephant was taking a shit on Redman, and all I could think was…

DAMN! THIS is the true definition of fremdschäm.

It was fremdschäm for a second, then schadenfreude the next, because I was laughing my ass off. The only thing funnier would have been if Cool “Disco” Dan ran up in the amazing street art event and robbed everyone blind, screaming,

“YOU WANT SOME FUCKIN STREET SHIT? YOU WANT SOME STREET SHIT?”

STAB. STAB. STAB.

And then he would roll out, with his pockets full of cash, and his backpack full of free drinks, and him and Redman would just cruise through Berlin, tagging, on the streets,

WHERE GRAFFITI BELONGS, and they would be singing some Chuck Brown, or Trouble Funk, because they know the history, and aren’t just trying to buy their way into being cool.

You Companies are like rich kids who get into hip hop and suddenly buy like 30 fitted caps, and 20 pairs of exclusive sneakers and don’t know shit about who the fuck Kool G Rap is.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m gonna go skate the little skatepark you paid my friends to build. That shit’s tight, but it aint gonna make me buy a pair of your skate shoes.

Converse makes skate shoes? HUH?

It was hilarious at the party. I grabbed my friend, who works for Lakai, I MEAN, you know Lakai obviously, right, the skater-run, skate shoe company?

Berlin’s own Sylvain Tognelli busts a move in those shoes!

Anyway, I said to him,

“I know who works for Converse at this Converse party. They’re the only people wearing Converse at this Converse party.”

He laughed, because it was true.

Not sure how many MILLIONS of dollars you’re spending on this whole,

“Shoes are boring” campaign, but if you ask me, there’s nothing more boring than companies trying to buy their way into cool points because they read the Tipping Point.

Nice try Converse. You were cooler when punks and dirty vagrants wore your basketball shoes and you had no influence on it.

Now, you’re just trying way too hard.

Good luck, and thanks for the free drinks.