That’s right folks, according to non jews and non Chinese people, another year will be in the books next week and why should I be any different than every other shit bag annoying idiot who thinks people give a shit about what they learned this last year?

So, here it is….

THE YEAR IN REVIEW IN 25 QUESTIONS OR LESS….

These questions are from some shitty self reflection bullshit people keep posting on Facebook……

1. What am I most proud of this year?

Certainly not this horribly cheesy questionnaire. What could I possibly say? I didn’t help stop starvation, or raise money for abandoned children, so anything I say will sound selfish, but, I mean, yes, I filmed my first set for television, I made thousands of thousands of thousands of thousands of people laugh at the Edinburg Free Fringe festival, I whooped John Robertson in a comedian rap battle, I was invited to host the Bright European Skateboard Awards, I was in the Anti Slam and got invited back for a third time, and so on and so on. I mean, pride isn’t my thing, but I had a really amazing year. Of course, 2014 is gonna slap 2013 in the dick on Jan 17th, when I do the greatest show I’ve ever done in my life at the Moviemento Kino in Berlin, which only cool super underground people will know about.

2. How can I become a better _____________?

Do I have to fill in the blank here? What the fuck is this for a question? Am I doing your job for you? Fine, I’ll say HATER. How can I become a better hater?

PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.

On that note, fuck this stupid question and the idiot who wrote it.

3. Where am I feeling stuck?

I can’t get my thumb out of my ass.

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?

Grace in the kitchen, grace in the hall, for God’s sake Grace don’t eat it all. AMEN.

5. Am I passionate about my career?

I’m making things like THIS VIDEO RIGHT HERE! Does that answer your question?

6. What lessons have I learned?

Life aint nothin but bitches and money. Just kidding, that’s a rap song lyric. I’ve learned that people for the most part are jealous of anyone else’s achievements.

I’ve also learned that at least one person will read every single word you write in a stupid ass blog post, even if it’s REALLY REALLY REALLY long and stupid.

7. What did I my finances look like?

EXCUSE ME? How dare you, you stupid hypocritical fake ass pseudo spiritual year end survey. I should have known it was your mission to find out how much money I have, you gold diggin hoe. I GET IT. OOOOOH. You heard I did TV and now you wanna know where the money is so you can try to con me into those web cam chats again? Typical.

  8. How big is your penis exactly in cm?

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING? How is this gonna make me a better person next year?

 9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?

My body’s in great shape. I play about five full games of soccer a day on Playstation and I walk to and from the train station which is one block from my house whenever I leave, which is AT LEAST once a month.

My mind is very healthy. I spend over 6 hours a day on the Internet sharpening my synapses with really great informative information. Nothing like this bullshit blog waste of time, cynical garbage, I’m talking solid, brain feed. I spend about three hours a day on Facebook looking at pictures of food and make sure to get at least three or four videos of guys getting kicked in the nuts in there as well.

My soul is also very clean and positive. I spend an hour a day meditating. I clear my mind of all the material bullshit of the world and fill it with absolute fantasy, usually with the help of Youporn.

10. How have I been open-minded?

I used to get nervous and think maybe I had a problem whenever I found myself google searching “pudding farts” or “monkey rapes a frog” but now I’ve learned to accept myself.

11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?

After watching the Monkey Rapes a Frog video. I mean, I gotta be better of than that frog, RIGHT?

12. What exactly did your poop look like?

This is clearly a question for the German people.

13. How have I taught others to respect me?

Don’t tell the police, but I kidnapped this guys girlfriend, then called him and told him I would cut her foot off if he didn’t respect me. That seemed to work, he’s liked every single thing I posted on Facebook since then.

14. How can I improve my relationships?

I need to think baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. Maybe that’ll work?

15. What old habits would I like to release?

Farting in public. HA HA HA, GET IT? RELEASE? HA HA HA HA. I’m hilarious.

16. Do you really think people are still reading this, how egotistical are you, you fuckin nihilistic jerk?

Well, at least one person is. I’ve learned that much. And to that person, I will say Happy Holidays. To the rest of you, who stopped reading long ago.

FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE YEAR YOU SELFISH SCUMS.

Hey. You know what?

SHUT UP!

It can, and does happen to everyone.

I know it’s my fault, but still, it sucks.

I somehow read 13:50 on an email about my flight from Copenhagen to Stockholm, only to get to the airport and realize that I’ve had a minor dyslexic episode and the flights actually at 15:30, so now I’m here at the airport and hour and a half early for a flight that I’m actually three and half hours early for, so GUESS WHO GETS A BLOG POST?

GUESS? GUESS? GUESS? GO ON, GUESS?

Merry Christmas and praise the baby Jesus for free Internet in the Copenhagen Airport that’s not really free, because you have to give them an email address and a house address and you have to agree to the terms and agreements which basically says that they, or anyone they sell your information to can ring your door bell at any hour of the night and have sex with your girlfriend for free internet.

Tough deal, BUT, CUM ON!!!

FREE INTERNET!!!

 SO WHO HAD THE BEST EXPERIENCE FROM AN AUDIENCE MEMBER EVER TWO NIGHTS AGO IN MÄLMO SWEDEN?

WHO? WHO? GUESS? GO ON. GUESS?

Yes, it was me, and it was amazing, and the show was very nice and cozy with about 70 people in a nice dark back bar type of room, with a small stage and it was very comedy club like. Very cool. And I was warming up the crowd, and pulled out a cheapy, where I ask single people to make noise, then say,

“Gimmie a cheer if you’re a single woman…….who will sleep with anyone….”

And as usual, the crowd laughs as one over eager single woman cheers.

And I point, and laugh, and say, THERE SHE IS GUYS, GET HER!

And later in my set I make call backs and basically call the woman a whore, subtly, and everything is cool, and we’re all having fun, and I had a great set and then it was over and the people cleared out and the girl I was playing along with was sitting with a couple and they called me over to the table, so of course I went over. And the room was quiet and calm, and I sat down with this single brunette and the couple, who was, as I could see now a bit older than her, and the woman from the couple was like,

“Oh my God, you were so funny. I had so much fun, thank you.”

But all I really heard was,

“BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH”

Because I was wondering what the fuck was going on, because the couple was like ten years older than the single girl, and, I mean, I’m not judging anyone, but it just seemed like an awkward friendship, and even before I could really do all the math, the woman said,

“Something something something, our daughter, something something……”

And I was like,

“THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER?”

And the woman said,

“Yeah.” Smiling. And I smiled, and laughed, and did the math, even though it didn’t REALLY add up, I just had to assume that this girls mom, was really young looking, and really really cool, or this girl was 10, or this girls mom had her when she was ten, or SOMETHING, because they looked pretty much the same age, kind of.

I laughed so hard.

“OH MY GOD” I said, “I called your daughter a WHORE.”

They all laughed a hearty laugh, even the dad. Then the girl spoke,

“Oh, yeah, they loved that.”

More laughter, ha ha ha, the mom leans in,

“I call her a whore all the time.”

Laugh, laugh, chuckle.

“We loved you. You’re so funny.”

And then the daughter, who, by the way, wasn’t 15 here, she was 22, got her revenge….

“My mom’s pretty cool for 57, huh.”

“HEEEEEEY, Shut up you whore.”

LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH……

MF DAVID DEERY is back, ladies and gentleman, and not since the famed show NO DIGGITY has the hype been this powerful.

BLOWIN UP is a show written, produced, directed, designed, filmed, edited, art directed, overseen, distributed, conceived, conceptualized, practiced, perceived, choreographed, and performed by MF DAVID DEERY.

This show is specifically made for a movie theater.

AND GUESS WHAT? THAT’S WHERE THIS SHOW TAKES PLACE.

MOVIEMENTO KINO KREUZBERG BERLIN

JAN 17th 20:30

Here’s some answers you may or may not be seeking.

IS IT A STAND UP COMEDY SHOW?    Not exactly, but maybe. MF David Deery will be there and there will be a microphone, but to increase the curiosity of the fans, let’s just stick with maybe.

Will there be lots of videos including at least two or three videos I’ve never seen even if I stalk MF David Deery on Youtube, and come to every show he’s ever done and even if I’m hiding under his couch watching every move he makes on Final Cut Pro?   YES.

IS THE SHOW ACTUALLY IN A MOVIE THEATER? YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS IS IT.

WILL IT BE FUNNY? If you haven’t figured it out by now, than the answer is no, go see some techno. Let’s just say it’s not for everyone, which is fine, because there are 100 seats.

I’VE SEEN YOU A LOT, WILL THERE BE A WHOLE BUNCH OF NEW STUFF? Just pay the fuckin 7.50 ticket and come out. Worst case scenario is you pay 7.50 and I end up doing my shitty Facebook joke for an hour. Best case scenario is you meet your future life partner there and live happily ever after. Either way, it’s still cheaper than watching some shit bag play Mp3’s off a laptop while gross Spanish men circle the dance floor like fuck sharks.

WILL THIS BE THE LAST TIME YOU PERFORM THIS SHOW? You know what they say, treat every day like it’s your last chance to see MF David Deery. Someday you’ll be glad you did, or you won’t. One or the other.

WHERE CAN I GET TICKETS? GREAT FUCKIN QUESTION! MF DAVID DEERY BLOWIN UP MOVIEMENTO KINO BERLIN TICKETS. GOOGLE THAT SHIT, PLAYER.

AND PLEASE LET PEOPLE KNOW. KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE.

PEACE. LOVE. PERFECTION.

MF DAVID DEERY

It’s Saturday night, and while many men are out on the town looking for a woman stupid or desperate enough to believe the absolute bologna that shoots out of mens mouths when they’re in a bar on a Saturday night trying to align their sex organs with a new place to live for a few minutes at a time, I’m home, in Berlin Germany, where the odds of getting a gig as a stand up comedian are somewhere between slim, none, and yeah right, loser.

So here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna embrace the struggle, put a positive twist on this shit storm and answer a few questions. Who needs a stage and some spot lights? It’s 2013.

THIS IS A SHOW IN MY WORLD.

Who needs “energy?”

Or “Atmosphere?”

It’s A SATURDAY NIGHT MAILBOX!

The first question comes from comedian James Harris.

JAMES ASKS………………

Q. COULD YOU LEND ME SOME MONEY?    

A. Hell yeah James. I can. I mean I could. I could lend you some money, if say, I wanted to.

I actually have nine hundred euros in cash, stuffed in an old jar, sitting on my window sill. Of course, I won’t lend you the money, because honestly James, I couldn’t dream of an excuse as to why you would need that money more than I do. I plan on using that money to move to LA someday, so I can chase my heroin addiction, also known as my desire to make people laugh on a Saturday night, without having to explain to people why I speak English.

I just wanna be anywhere where my comedy is not defined by my language and more by, well, let’s say, my jokes, or even, my insanely cynical sense of humor. That would be fine.

Anyway.

I would love to lend you that money James, but I know you would just use it for something stupid, like rent, or food, or bills. Fuck that James. That’s no reason to beg, James. Plus, James, it’s Saturday night and you’re a comedian in London. If you’re gonna beg, why aren’t you at the SoHo comedy club begging David Mulholland to give you an open spot? Fuck money, James. Money is just paper. Money is nothing compared to the opportunity to make people laugh on a Saturday night. You sound like Kanye West, with his insane rants about billionaires and how he has ideas if people would just listen and how no one listens, and meanwhile, millions of people are watching the interview, and listening, and waiting for his great ideas, but instead, it’s the same old shit. Money. Power. Fame.

If only I had the money to express my ideas. I’D BE SO FAMOUS!

And in the mean time, James, while you’re chasing a glorified advert for the Queen, I’m slapping a six hundred word essay in the nut sac on the importance of good body language, and positive role models, and going down on a woman before you just ram it in, and many other secret messages I’ve hidden deep in the word count, because although I won’t lend you money James, I will indoctrinate you with my bullshit philosophies.

My number one philosophy is this James. FUCK MONEY.

James, I beg you, learn to live your life without money. Learn to eat twigs and shavings from pencils and old paper coffee cups, because the odds of me lending you any part of this nine hundred euros I have in this jar, have dropped from slim, to downright anorexic.

Well folks, that’s it for me. I’ll be here all week.

Have a safe night and remember to tip your imaginary wait staff.