A FUCKIN REVIEW?

Really?

You think I’m really gonna write a review for a stand up special that you can just buy yourself for 5 bucks? (Click the photo)

It’s five fucking dollars people. It’s cheaper than a cup of coffee.

This guy has been working at this shit for over 72 years and he’s been reduced to a price range that includes a one cent cup of coffee sold for 6.50.

If only Todd Barry could find a way to package his Crowd Work Tour special into some kind of eco friendly, recycled white paper cup with his corporate logo on it, I bet you guys would be lined up for it.

If only there was a way that Todd Barry could scream your name out in front of a room full of strangers, also waiting for the special, maybe you would jump at the chance to purchase it.

Review, my ass, which by the way is different than saying review my ass.

 Who reads reviews, anyway?

I’m only writing this review in the hopes that Todd Barry himself is as egomaniacal as I think he is and that his Google alert will buzz his watch every time I type the words TODD BARRY, forcing him to click on my blog, which in that split second, thrusts me into some kind of online audition to becoming the opening act when TODD BARRY brings his crowd work tour to Berlin, because as we all know, Berlin is like the new European mecca for stand up and the crowds would totally get a guy like TODD BARRY belting out his pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, sweet sarcastic salutation.

Oh, they would get it, because TODD BARRY does not back down to a hostile crowd.

TODD BARRY is up for a challenge.

Todd Barry says things like, “Alaska isn’t tough enough for me, I need a real challenge. Bring me………….. The toughest crowd on the planet.”

Bring him Berlin.

“What do you do sir?”

“Nothing.”

“OK, What about you sir?”

“Nothing.”

“Ok, what about you over there, what do you do?”

“Nothing.”

I’d love to see TODD BARRY in Berlin, wouldn’t you?

No? You’d rather drink cheap beer all day and piss on my front door while singing spanish songs loudly all night?

OK. Well, at least buy the guys special. Or don’t. Whatever, just wait two weeks when some dick posts the entire thing on youtube under the guise of it being great promotion for TODD BARRY, because we all know that giving away the entire product for free is the best marketing plan of all times which is why every movie trailer is always the full length feature film and also, I love how much the average person with out a job knows about marketing strategies.

Hey idiot dicks putting up people’s entire catalogs of work under the guise of great promo, you know you can get a job doing promotion and marketing and make a ton of money doing it?

I mean, if you’re gonna be a dick head, at least you can get paid for it.

THEN, you won’t have a problem shelling out the five clams for TODD BARRY’S special.

Thank you and good night, I’ll be here all week, every week.

PS. Dear Todd Barry, I’m so happy to see that you got to this part of the post. I have won. It feels amazing, thanks for asking. See you on the road, buddy.

I’d love to take this opportunity to thank Oliver Polack for inviting me to open for him at the Wühlmäuse Theater!

WOW. 500 seats. A real deal theater with a real deal history. Classic.

Wühlmäuse. CHECK.

It certainly was a once in a lifetime opportunity for a guy like me, who, according to some, does something so left field, like stand up comedy in a foreign language. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the chances of me ever getting to play a theater like that on my own are pretty slim. On the other hand, I do realize how weird it is to perform in English in Germany, it’s certainly not normal, or what anyone would expect, but at the same time, isn’t comedy working best when it’s a surprise? Aren’t the best punchlines the ones you don’t expect?

Like, “SURPRISE, I’M SPEAKING ENGLISH!”

HA HA, GET IT?

And they do. I mean, not EVERYONE, but most people do.

So a few people won’t get the joke?

Why do we focus on them?

It’s comedy, and if there’s one thing a comedian has to remind him or herself on the regular, is that it’s not about the millions of people who hate you, it’s about the 65 people who love you and are willing to pay seven euros to come see you talk about your problems for an hour on April 2^nd at Movie Mento Kino.

But you know how it is. Not everyone is gonna accept it.

A friend of mine in the audience last night overheard a woman say,

“Why is this in English? And why are all the people laughing? They’re only laughing because they want everyone to think they’re cool and think they can understand English….”

Well lady, all I can say is that they were at least clever enough to laugh in unison, perfectly on the punchlines, where surprisingly enough, native English speakers also would be laughing, so to be honest with you, I feel like if that crowd of people really didn’t understand English, they at least understand comedic rhythm, and to be honest with you, that’s actually more intelligent, as a group dynamic than everyone understanding the actual language.

I mean, shit, according to your theory, this audience is so dumb they can’t even understand the words, yet they’re so perfectly in tune with how comedy works, that they laugh, together in perfect harmony, directly at the exact laugh here point of every joke?

To be honest with you, that’s pretty cool.

And also, to be honest with you, if they’re having fun doing it, what’s it to you?

I wish everyone would just stop trying to over analyze everything, all the time. Just let it be.

This is what I do. If you like, here’s the water fountain, have a drink and enjoy it. If you’re not thirsty, or want a beer, or a cocktail, or a big fat glass of go fuck yourself, feel free to keep it moving past my water fountain. There’s no need to look around and start yelling,

“I DON’T LIKE THE TASTE OF THAT WATER. GERMANS DON’T LIKE WATER. TAKE YOUR WATER FOUNTAIN TO ENGLAND OR LEARN TO PUT BUBBLES IN THAT WATER BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE GERMANS ARE USED TO. I ONLY DRINK BUBBLY WATER AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS COUNTRY PROBABLY THINKS EXACTLY LIKE I DO. I WOULD NEVER GO TO SOME PLACE IF THAT PLACE WAS SERVING YOUR KIND OF WATER, AND IF I DID I WOULD CERTAINLY COMPLAIN TO THE MANAGEMENT EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS LIKE OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT BE ENJOYING YOUR TYPE OF WATER I KNOW IT’S BULLSHIT, THEY’RE ONLY DRINKING THAT WATER SO PEOPLE WILL THINK THEY’RE COOL, BECAUSE NO WOULD REALLY DRINK THAT WATER FOR REAL FOR REAL UNLESS THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO BE LIKE SOME STUPID AMERICAN PERSON WATER DRINKER THING AND SO ON AND SO FORTH AND EYE ROLL AND DEEP PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE SIGH, ECT ECT ECT.”

And so the journey continues.

How do you German people do it? Seriously? How do you deal with German people?

I’m just trying to put my bottles into this bottle returning machine and get my small deposit back. That’s it. It’s not that difficult, but OF COURSE the machine is full and needs to be emptied, and OF COURSE I have to go tell the person that the machine needs emptying and OF COURSE they throw a fit.

“Can you wait one minute?”

And OF COURSE the guy behind me is literally pressing up against me because he apparently believes that invading my personal space is gonna get this thing emptied faster, so he’s pressing up against me, sighing deeply in a state of verbal disappointment, all the while looking around at the ceiling as if to say with his eyes, I’m not consciously pressing up against you, I’m just minding own damn business and the universe is moving me in my righteous path and you happen to be in MY way and the universe says you’re not moving fast enough, and since you’re not moving fast enough I can just press myself against you and meanwhile, little miss throw a fit can I wait a minute is no where to be seen.

Can I wait a minute?

Apparently I can wait 20 minutes which is how long it’s taking, while she deals with all the little supermarket chores she can find to do before she gets to the the full machine, because apparently I need to suffer a little for ruining her precious life. Every bad decision she’s ever made means nothing compared to me asking her to empty the bottle machine. IT’S NOT MY FAULT LADY! I didn’t make you get this shitty job, in this shitty neighborhood with a bunch of shitty kids with mustaches demanding you do your job with their shitty German.

It’s not my fault.

You act like I just threw 400 bottles in this machine personally. You act like I’ve been saving bottles for weeks and weeks in the hope that when it fills up, you’ll be there, and I’ll get the joy of my life running over to you and saying in my worst German ever,

“Der Machine ist ful. Der Machine ist ful. Der Machine ist ful. SNELL SNELL SNELL!”

“Die Machine, and it’s spelled Maschine in German.”

WHAT? NOW YOU’RE CORRECTING MY GERMAN ON A BLOG I’M WRITING?

It’s not my fault lady. I swear. I’m not speaking wrong German on purpose. For that matter it’s not my fault you are German.

Seriously, how do you German people deal with this shit for one euro and eighty five cents.

2014 is the YEAR OF MEDIOCRITY!

But unlike other haters out there, I WILL EMBRACE IT!

I will enjoy mediocre things. I will do a mediocre dance, and not only that, I will make a mediocre GIF out of my mediocre dance and share it on my mediocre blog.

I AM TYPICAL. HEAR ME ROAR! (Watch me dance actually, you can’t hear a GIF)

HAPPY NON JEWISH NON CHINESE NEW YEAR!